Seeds to Sprout: Should I Stay or Leave this Relationship?

Mini-episode to help you navigate the confusion when deciding to stay or leave a relationship.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi, welcome back. So, something I wanted to share with you based off of a conversation that I was having with someone recently about a long-term relationship I had in my 20s was how towards the end of that relationship, there were multiple things that weren't necessarily working out. And I was so stuck in my head about whether to stay, whether to leave, what was on me to do differently, what was on them to do differently, what was on us to do differently. And I went back and forth with myself so much. And the thing is that looking back at it now, I probably stayed about a year after what should have been the expiration of that relationship. And the thing is that there was just so many things that I didn't know at the time. So kind of looking back on things now with everything that I have learned, I really would tell my past self or that I would tell you if you're in a relationship and you're not sure whether to stay or whether to leave because you guys keep having the same problems over and over again. Is that the questions that you're asking yourself are important? And I think they're signs that you're being very thoughtful and very introspective, very intentional about making a decision. But the way that you are approaching the situation with those questions is probably keeping you a little bit stuck. I think you're completely on track with asking what is your role within the conflicts that are happening. That's such an important and valuable question. As a relationship coach rooted in attachment science, what I want to tell you is that there's probably some things that you don't know what you don't know. So I really think that it comes down to two things is one learning skills that you probably don't have a lot of experience with. And these are skills around emotional regulation, nervous system regulation, practicing direct and honest communication, as well as practicing boundaries. Because these are the skills that you're going to need in order to create and sustain and foster a healthy relationship. So if you are missing these skills, it's gonna be something that you're gonna have to learn and to practice. Now, the second thing that's gonna be important is your actual belief system because once you are practicing those foundational skills, you're going to have to be in that mindset that you matter. How you feel in the relationship matters, you're going to have to believe that you deserve a relationship that feels good to you, that you deserve to be in a partnership with someone that wants to also create a healthy relationship with you. And if you don't have that belief, if you don't feel that in your bones, you're gonna be stuck in a relationship that doesn't feel good to you. The person that you're in a partnership with, they may or may not come around. And the decision to stay or to leave is still going to be on you. But once you know that you've tried your best, that you have the skills to be showing up in the best way possible, that's going to build that self-trust that's going to allow you to make that decision. So if you are going back and forth and you're having a hard time, I really want you to focus on developing those skills around emotional regulation, around communication, around boundaries while also working on your belief system that you matter, how you feel in the relationship matters, and that you deserve to be in relationship with someone that's going to be a partner with you. So I'll leave you with that as some seeds to sprout your thinking. And until next time, bye.