Seeds to Sprout: How Your Attachment Style Impacts Non-Romantic Relationships

Mini-episode answering the question: can your attachment style impact your non-romantic relationships?

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi. So in my work as a relationship coach, I received a question recently that I think the response might be helpful for you and for others as well. And the question was whether your attachment style can influence relationships that aren't romantic. And the short answer is yes. Because your attachment style is the blueprint for how you relate, it influences all of the relationships in your life. This includes your relationship to yourself, the relationship that you have with friends, the relationship that you have with family members, and the relationship that you have with coworkers as well. Now, the thing is that it's going to impact each of those relationships and each individual relationship differently because you're going to have a different level of closeness and vulnerability with each individual relationship. So different triggers, different patterns are going to be showing up. And the reason for that is because the closer you are to someone, the more likely they're going to be activating your attachment wounds because the people that you're closer with, you're going to have a stronger attachment with, which is why if you have an insecure attachment style, it becomes a lot more evident with your romantic partner because you oftentimes have a higher level of closeness and connection with your romantic partner. And I would say kind of along those lines, you probably also have closer relationships and connection with family members and with friends. So I would say that those are the types of relationships that are also likely to activate some of your attachment wounds. Whereas in the workplace, generally speaking, we don't have those deep relationships with our coworkers. So your attachment wounds are going to be looking a little bit different, but that doesn't mean that some of the patterns within your particular insecure attachment style aren't going to be showing up within the workplace. So I would say that there are three main areas for how your attachment style is going to influence every single one of your relationships. And that is one, the meaning or the stories that you give behind what others do or don't do. So for instance, if a friend didn't invite you to a particular hangout or a particular party, or if a coworker didn't add you to the invite of a particular meeting, what is the meaning that you apply to those scenarios? And once you start looking at those stories, that's where you can start understanding some of those patterns behind your stories because you might find that some common things show up, like you thinking that you weren't important enough, that you weren't good enough, that you weren't worthy enough to be invited. And that's going to show up again, whether it's in your romantic relationship, within your friendships, or with your coworkers. Another big area that your attachment style is going to influence across your relationships is going to be your relationship with conflict. Someone with a secure attachment style is going to be comfortable with conflict. They're going to be able to bring up things. They're going to be able to talk through issues to find a resolution, and they're going to be able to have accountability if something that they did hurt someone else. Now, if you have one of the three insecure attachment styles, you're probably going to have a lot of discomfort with conflict and that's going to show up differently. So your response is most likely going to match your particular attachment style. So for instance, if you lean more anxious, your response might look like doing quite a bit more people pleasing around conflict and trying to appease the other person. If you tend to lean towards the avoidance side, you're going to have a lot of fear around conflict and wanting and needing to have a lot more peace. And if that means avoiding conflict altogether and not having conversation, then as you can tell from what I'm saying, there's going to be a lot more avoidance towards conflict. And the third area for how your attachment style is going to show up across your different types of relationships is going to be with your boundaries. So are you able to honor your own time, energy, capacity and how much you're giving within your friendships and within the workplace. So if you have a secure attachment style, you're going to be able to have a natural flow of the things that you say yes and no to in a manner that honors what you have to give. If you tend to lean towards the anxious side, you're most likely going to be leaning into people pleasing and not taking yourself into account as much. And if you tend to lean towards the avoidance side, you might tend to have some really hard boundaries with certain items, but you actually might also have really poor boundaries with some of the smaller things that you don't recognize where a smaller boundary would be helpful. So those are some of the ways that your attachment style can influence and show up within relationships that aren't just romantic and why attachment theory is so powerful because it can really help you understand how you might be showing up and how you can show up better within your relationships, because ultimately our life is made up of relationships. So why not learn how to relate to others better and in a healthier manner? So I'll leave you with that. And if you do have any questions, I would love to hear them. Feel free to share them using the anonymous texting link in the show notes. And if it's something that I could speak to, then I might make a podcast episode about it. Okay, that's it for this Seeds to Sprout mini episode. Bye.