Why Your Partner's Feedback Feels Like an Attack & What To Do About It

If more than one person has let you know that you get defensive or you've done your own reflection and noticed that you regularly feel attacked when people offer you feedback, this episode is for you. 

Tune in to learn:

• Why you might be feeling attacked (from external things, like how your partner is communicating, to internal things, like how your brain is registering feedback), and
• What you can start doing to show up as the partner you know you can be.

Want to take the next step in healing your relationship patterns?

• Book a Relationship Coaching Consultation

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Life can sometimes feel like a lot, but you don't have to do it alone. I strongly believe that we're stronger together. Here we're gonna slow down, have real talks, make sense of things together, and explore ways to intentionally grow the life you want. We're going to talk about mental and physical health, relationships, money, work, and community. Welcome to Rooted in Intention with me, Garina Gomez. Hi, welcome back. I'm so glad that you're here. So I'm taking it that you might have gotten quite a bit of feedback that you tend to get defensive, or maybe you've done some reflection and you've come to the realization that you tend to feel attacked when your partner comes to you. And if that's the case, you're in the right place, especially because you obviously want to do something differently, which is amazing. It's great. We're all learning how to be better versions of ourselves every day for the most part. Or maybe it's better if I say that we're all works in progress. So what I'm gonna do in this episode is I'm gonna be going into what could be going on and why are you feeling so attacked when your partner comes to you with something. And I'm gonna start with some of the external things, in other words, how your partner might be showing up and then moving into some internal things that might be going on with you, particularly in your brain and in your nervous system. And I will also be going into some of the things that you can start doing today to help you show up as the amazing partner that you know you are or that you know that you could be deep, deep in your bones. Okay, so to get started, I want to be realistic that a part of the dynamic for why you might be feeling attacked could very much be about how your partner is presenting information. They themselves might be reacting to something rather than responding and sharing things with you in a critical manner. And the reality is that some people have not learned how to communicate in a non-critical fashion that combined with many of us not having the best examples of what healthy communication can look like can really add to this. But with that in mind, what I really want you to remember is that their behaviors are about them. Can they be communicating in a better way? Yes, absolutely. There's a separate podcast episode about that, but in this one, we're going to be focusing on you. So one of the things that you can do if you do find yourself with a partner that is communicating critically with you is to just practice some compassion with them and keep in mind that they probably have an unmet need or they're trying to communicate with you about something that's important to them and they're having a hard time finding the words for how to communicate effectively with you. And maybe you don't even see the issue that they're bringing to you as important yet, but is it being in relationships about you also taking your partner into consideration? And part of that work is you recognizing that something that's important to them has to be of some importance to you as well. So, with that said, what can it look like to practice compassion with your partner? I'm so glad you asked. But actually, when your partner says something to you that feels like you're being attacked, go into the dynamic with some level of curiosity. So try switching your brain into intentionally thinking something along the lines of, hmm, that was harsh, but they're trying to communicate something with me. Let me see if I can uncover what this is really about. And then with that mindset, that's going to allow you to actually guide the conversation from that state. And then you can follow it up with something like, hey, I can really see that you're upset by this and I want to understand the situation more. I'm not quite getting it right now. Can you help me understand what's going on? And ideally, as you're having this conversation with your partner, you are remaining grounded and you're creating the space for your partner to also either remain grounded or move it to a more grounded state. If they are coming into the conversation with a lot of frustration or anger or just in a heightened state and moving your mindset into this approach when your partner comes to you, it's gonna take some practice because this probably isn't the way that you've been navigating conversations. So don't be discouraged if you aren't able to do it the first time or you feel like you aren't doing it perfectly. Just really come back to that. How can you be a little bit more compassionate, even if it's that you make a 5% change in one conversation? Because every time that you practice it, you're gonna get 5% better, 3% better, 7% better. And the whole point is that over time you get to a space where the conversations start looking a lot different with your partner, and ideally they start feeling a lot more healthy and productive. Now, if you're having a really hard time getting there, that brings me to the next portion on what might be going on internally for you that is making it hard for the conversation to flow so naturally. So, what might be going on is that you yourself are having a hard time staying grounded and present because your partner is saying something that is triggering these old wounds in you. And that's why it feels so personal, and that's why it feels like whatever they're saying is a reflection on you as a person. For instance, maybe they came to you and they said that they needed more help around their house, and there was like this quick circuit in your brain that played out on a core belief, which is really a core wound that's living within your subconscious mind that you aren't doing enough, and so you aren't enough, or that you did something bad, and so that you yourself, your whole self is bad, which likely brings this sense of shame, or maybe your brain starts thinking that they misinterpreted your intention, and if you can just explain yourself enough, they're going to be able to understand you. And so this rush of thoughts and of these core beliefs or core wounds being activated, they're ringing the alarm bells within your body, and that's what's giving you that sense that you're feeling under attack and why you feel like you have to defend yourself because going on the defense essentially becomes your protective mechanism and has likely been your protective mechanism for a while. That's why you find yourself almost instinctively defending yourself or deflecting, and you might say something like, I'm such a bad person then, or nothing I do is ever good enough, or that's not how it happened. And you might be saying these things, not realizing that you are protecting yourself, but maybe you do. Maybe a little part of you does recognize that you're experiencing some shame and that you're defending yourself as a coping mechanism to feel safe within the conflict. Now, whether you're doing this with little to no awareness, this type of dynamic where you go on the defense, it's going to cost you losing the connection with your partner. And here's the thing: everyone gets defensive at times, but when it's repeated regularly, it's the chronic defensiveness that becomes damaging to your relationship. And in addition to there being research to back up how detrimental this is for relationships, you probably feel it and you see it firsthand, how it causes conversations or small things to escalate into these larger conflicts. But here's the thing: it feels instinctive because again, to some degree it is. It's being driven by your subconscious mind. Maybe you were heavily criticized as a kid, and that left an imprint in your brain that you weren't good enough. So now any small remark or feedback feels like this heavy criticism. Feels like this heavy criticism, feels like this heavy criticism. And before having done any healing work, I actually had something very similar. I wouldn't get defensive, but what would happen is I would almost instinctively cry during conflicts with one of my ex-partners. And I would get so frustrated with myself because I was telling myself to just get it together. Just please, just make your point and stop crying, like just focus. And that was my pep talk. Before I knew it, I was so flooded and I would start crying and I could see the discomfort in my partner's face. And he would actually say this as well like, why is this such a big deal? Like, I just I don't get it. And hey, I thought that same thing too. And that's why I would then follow that up with like, please just listen to the words, not the tears. And I would get so frustrated with myself, like, God, girl, just keep it together. And I knew that it shouldn't be such a big deal, but it was like I couldn't do anything but start crying when there was a conflict or whenever I perceived conflict. It was like a reflex. And I thought it was a very, very annoying reflex. And I had an inkling that it was tied to my childhood. I grew up in what felt like a pretty unpredictable home. Yes, there was good times, there was loving times, but when things got bad, they also were pretty bad. And my parents would break out into these fights, and I just remember feeling so terrified because they did not know how to do healthy conflict resolution. So I knew that to some degree all of that had left this imprint in my head and that I had associative conflict with danger. But it's like I didn't know how to override that reaction, how to stop the crying in what could have just been conversations, but in my head, it was like perceived like this scary conflict. And what ended up happening was years later, I went into therapy for completely different reasons. But it actually ended up helping me with this too. Because, well, I ended up learning that I was working with complex PTSD, which I didn't end up learning about until towards the end of my time in therapy, which is still super bizarre to me because I think this is a common thing, but therapists don't tell you their diagnosis. In most cases, you actually have to ask them. But, anyways, I'll just say I had quite a bit of healing to do. And it was throughout my healing journey that I also learned more about my body's fight, flight freeze and fawn response, which you might have heard as well as kind of those survival responses. And I specifically learned about nervous system regulation, which are the things that you do to move your body from that survival state into essentially rest and digest. And I think that that was a big game changer for me. Another thing that was actually super helpful for me was building awareness so that I could label what was going on in real time and do something differently. So in the moment, I could feel that rush of overwhelm, notice it, and be like, okay, I'm sensing all of these things in my body. I'm feeling activated. And then I could actually remind my mind and my body that it was safe. And if I was having a hard time really embodying that safety, communicating to my partner of like, hey, I'm just feeling really activated. Can we just pause for a moment? And then I could do my thing, bring myself into a more grounded state, and then continue the conversation. And over time, that was actually teaching my body and rewiring my brain that conflict could, in fact, be safe. And I'm sharing all of this because although our responses are different, you're going into the conflict feeling attacked and getting defensive. And I was feeling unsafe and crying within conflict. The essence of those two things is very similar. There's this discomfort that's associated with perceived conflict or criticism. And then there's that rapid response that's happening from within your brain that's causing this dysregulation and it's leading to these protective behaviors and it's leading to these protective behaviors. So it's not your fault that this was essentially wired into your brain and into your nervous system, but it is your responsibility now to do something differently, especially if you are in a partnership and you want to have a healthy relationship. So some things that you can try, three things that you can start doing today are one, let your partner know that this is something that you're actively working on. First of all, they're really going to appreciate the intentionality with you trying to do something differently. And also, this is gonna help. So when there is conflict that comes up, they know of like, hey, we're both in this together and let's both try and do something differently. And they're able to show up and support you as well. This is also going to be a huge plus because it shows that you're being accountable for your own actions and for your own behaviors, which goes a long way within relationships. But okay, the second thing that you can start doing is to just start building awareness around when you are activated, when you are getting triggered by something that your partner said, because the simple practice is then going to help you create that pattern interrupt. And you can't interrupt the pattern if you don't know that it's happening. So even though this seems simple, it's actually the foundation to help you do things differently. And then lastly, the third thing that you can start doing is actually tying those first two things together. So when you are noticing that you're activating, just call it out. Call it out within your brain, but also call it out as you're having a conversation with your partner. So that can look like, hey, the thing that you just said landed really, really bad. And I feel like I'm being attacked right now. Can we pause or can you say that differently? Or can you help me see what you're really trying to say? I want to understand you, but I feel like I'm being attacked and I want to do things differently. And believe me, once you start putting these things into practice, the conversations that you're having with your partner are just gonna look so differently because even though the pattern might not completely disappear overnight, you're both gonna be aware and you're both gonna be making these slight adjustments for how to have healthier conversations. And that's ultimately the goal because I've said this again and again conflict isn't going to disappear. Conflict is a part of healthy relationships. So what you ideally want to learn how to do is learn how to actually have healthy, productive conflict. And doing these things is gonna help you move in that direction. So try that and let me know how it goes. It would also be a huge disservice if I did not mention that if you want support with this, I highly, highly recommend therapy. There are an array of different types of therapists and what you call different therapy modalities, which are essentially different approaches. So it might take some trial and error to find something that works for you, but I know that therapy was such a huge part of my own healing journey. So I will forever be an advocate of therapy. And at the same time, I recognize that not everyone is gonna be interested in therapy. So if you're not interested in therapy, or maybe you've tried therapy and you just felt like you were missing something because I have also been there. Let's connect and see if relationship coaching is right for you because this is the means through which I help people create more satisfying and fulfilling relationships so that you can show up for your partner and for your loved ones in a way that you intentionally desire. So if that sounds of interest to you, you can connect with me using the link in the show notes. Okay, that's it for today. Bye bye.

unknown 16:59

Bye bye.

SPEAKER_00 17:02

Thank you for joining me for another episode of Rooted in Intention. Until next time, and remember to keep showing up for the life, relationships, and community you want. Now go.