Seeds to Sprout: Can People Change? What it Means for Your Relationship

Mini-episode to help if you're currently experiencing relationship struggles and wanting a different dynamic.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi, welcome back to another mini episode where I'm going to be exploring the question can people change? And this is a very interesting question because at the basic level, yes, people have the ability to change. We know this from neuroscience. The brain is capable of adapting and changing its patterns at any age. It's called neuroplasticity. But here's the interesting part what actually causes someone to change? Because I have thought about this question so many times over the course of my life. And I remember being very young. And I grew up in a pretty chaotic home. And realistically, both of my parents didn't treat each other very well and they had their own unresolved trauma. They tried showing up as best as they could. But at the end of the day, there was quite a bit of chaos growing up. And because of that, I remember as a kid wanting them to change, hoping that things would be better, hoping that things would feel safer and more peaceful. But that just it didn't seem like it was ever going to happen. And by the time I got into high school, I adapted a very pessimistic mindset. And I got to the conclusion that people couldn't change because at least that's how it felt like. I saw all of the chaos, I experienced the chaos, and I never saw that things actually got better. So I reasoned if all of this time things continue to be sucky, it must be that people can't change. But then also over the years, I realized that I changed. And throughout school, learning about social movements, I saw that change was possible in the world and things were capable of improving and becoming better. So then I slowly crumbled up that belief system that people weren't capable of change. And I actually saw the potential, not just in individual people, but in our society. And I came to the realization that more than anything, change happened because of intentionality, intentional projects, intentional work. That's what was at the root of change. And so then it seemed like I almost adopted the complete opposite belief system that everything was capable of being awesome and great, and that people were capable of being better. And so I held out a lot of hope. Hope for people in my life, hope that my parents would be able to change and show up for me in ways that felt good. Hope that our society could change and that we could create environments where everyone could thrive. But then with some life experienced, I realized that being on that side of the spectrum wasn't that great either. Just holding on to that hope actually kept me in a relationship that wasn't good for my mental health, wasn't good for my well-being, where I was holding out hope for someone to change when they weren't actually showing me proof that they wanted to change. And I think that's the key. The question isn't really whether people could change or not, because again, we know people could change, we know that brains could change, our patterns could change, but I think it really comes back to do people want to change? If you're in a relationship where something isn't working and the person is causing harm, are they doing anything different? Are they wanting to change? Do they have the willingness and the desire to seek out things that help them do better, that help them change their patterns? And at the same time, I want you to recognize that in a relationship, it's made up of two people influencing the dynamic. So I really want you to remember that I know this might hurt, but you are also contributing to the dynamic. And I know I went through this in my own romantic relationship where I knew that there were things that I was doing that were also toxic and dysfunctional. And I ended up seeking support to help me through those things, to change my patterns, to communicate more effectively, to communicate more directly and honestly, to regulate my nervous system, to meet my own needs. And it was in that process where I eventually reached the point where I felt like I had grown, kind of unfortunately, because of that, I had grown apart from my partner because they hadn't necessarily been doing that self-improvement work alongside with me. And so now that I was doing things to change the relationship dynamic, it was actually highlighting to me how that relationship was no longer for me. And to continue being in that relationship was actually going to cause me to abandon myself, abandon my own needs and my own desires for having a partner that could show up in this healthier space, in this healthier way. And interestingly enough, within that romantic relationship, that's actually how that relationship came to an end. Because I remember just being very clear with myself of like, I can't keep doing this. And I told my ex, like, hey, I really need for you to be showing up differently. Is that something that you have the willingness and the capacity to do? And if anything, I really respected his response to that question because he asked for some time to think about it. And I think he went away for like half of the day. He really pondered the question and he came back and he was like, No, I don't. And when he said that, I was so grateful because it was like, okay, we did the best that we could. I communicated what I needed. I communicated that I needed him to show up differently because the way that he was showing up just wasn't in alignment with the relationship that I was wanting. And so the question of whether he was capable of change wasn't actually the right question for the situation, but it was was he wanting to change to maintain this relationship? And the answer was no. And that actually brought me a lot of peace because then it was like, okay, I have my answer, and this just isn't the right relationship for either of us. And so if you're in your head wondering whether the person that you're in a relationship with can change or what can you do to change them, I really want to encourage you to start seeing what are the things that you can do differently? What are the things that you can change about yourself? And looking back now, not just from a personal level, but also as an attachment-based relationship coach, I want you to know that a lot of the things that you have the power to change are looking at your own core wounds, looking at your own limiting beliefs that might be distorting how you're viewing certain dynamics that might be able to bring you to accept some things with more grace and to be grateful for some of the things that you do have within your relationship because that goes a long way as well. But then also building some skills that you might not realize you might not necessarily have, which are skills around communicating directly, but also respectfully, and that you're not avoiding issues, but you're really moving towards them head-on, and that you're also setting boundaries because boundaries are actually to help preserve the relationship, the relationship that you have with yourself as well as the relationship that you have with the other person. And then probably one of the most important skills is learning how to regulate your nervous system, how to self-soothe, how to get yourself out of a survival state when something triggers you, when something activates you. So that means when you start recognizing that you entered a fight, flight, freeze, or fond response and building that awareness of like, oh, I'm activated. What are the things in my nervous system toolkit that I can use in order to reground myself and take action, not from a reactive state, but to respond to the situation appropriately? And these things that I just laid out are at the foundation of what people with a secure attachment style already do naturally, because this is what they likely saw growing up, what was modeled to them. And so it became second nature. But if you have one of the three insecure attachment styles, which if you don't know what that is, go check out the podcast episode where I talk more about attachment styles. But if you have one of the three insecure attachment styles, or if you already know, like, yeah, I didn't have the best childhood and my parents didn't have the best relationship, that's probably enough for you to know that you might not be showing up with a secure attachment style. And so with that, take what I just shared about what are the things that people with a secure attachment style do in order to guide you about where you might have some gaps and what are some of the things that you need to be changing to show up more healthily and securely. And then, like that, either your relationship ends up blossoming or you come to the realization that this relationship isn't for you and that the relationship has come to a conclusion and it's time to move on. So hopefully this either helps you on your journey or it serves as some seeds to sprout for who knows what in the future. Okay, that's it for today. Bye.